Addressing the needs of families and children in crisis

Every day CPI therapists and parent educators find themselves working with families that face enormous parenting challenges. Because CPI works with so many families (5,000 a year), our agency sees a wide range of real life stories. Some involve simple problems that can be helped with improved parenting skills or positive discipline. Some respond to interventions that include visits at home with parents and children and referrals for additional family assistance. Some require serious therapeutic intervention and long term family support services. All these stories come to us through CPI’s efforts to treat and prevent child abuse.

The events described are real; we've changed the names and altered details to protect the privacy of our clients.

“It worked! And I didn’t have to yell at her…”

During CPI parenting classes, parents are asked to share stories about something they have learned. One mother told about driving to the store with her five-year-old daughter. The child decided to take off her seat belt. The mother said that in the past she would have yelled at her daughter and threatened to strike her if she did not refasten her seat belt. But this time the mother said she remembered that her five-year-old wasn't old enough to understand why wearing a seat belt is important.

The mother pulled the car over to the side of the road and told her daughter that "mommy is a very safe driver but that sometimes other people don't pay attention and can hit the car." She told her daughter that she wanted her to be safe and that is why she needed to wear her seat belt. Her daughter let mother buckle her back in and they went to the store.

"My daughter stayed fastened in her seat belt all the way to the store," said the mother. "I felt so much better not yelling. And I found that I didn't have to yell. Also, while we were at the store my daughter was very well behaved."

A small change in behavior, it seems, can make a very big difference in the well being of families.

"I'm at the end of my rope. Where do I turn?"

A mother referred to CPI by her child’s school nurse expressed feelings of exasperation and anger with her family situation. She is the mother of four children ages 3-10 while she keeps up her studies at Santa Rosa Junior College. Her husband has an addiction problem and is not available to help her. The mother sought counseling assistance to help with her marriage, but the father would not participate. A CPI parent educator began a series of home visits with the mother, helping her to understand better the challenging behaviors presented by her children.

By adopting a more positive parenting attitude, the mother was able to confidently use new strategies to set limits and solve problems. The mother was particularly enthusiastic about using a "family meeting" model to talk with the children about their needs and how to address them. Within a few weeks time, the mother reported a number of positive changes, including the children's help in setting and keeping routines that made an enormous positive difference in the family dynamic. "Now I'm going to pursue counseling for myself that will help me address the problems in my marriage," the mother said.

Sometimes parents need to take a time-out. A positive parenting attitude has enormous benefits for children.

"I've always loved my son. Now I like him."

Jason, age four, had a serious problem with aggression. Jason's preschool teacher had reported him throwing chairs, hitting teachers, and throwing food at other children. Jason could not control his angry feelings and, after one particularly violent episode, was not allowed to return to preschool.

Jason and his mother were referred to CPI for Parent Child Interactive Training (PCIT). PCIT is an evidence-based training that features a therapist watching parent-child interactions through a one-way mirror while talking via earphone with the parent. The parent is encouraged by the therapist to practice effective parenting strategies. Jason showed immediate improvement as his mother developed more parenting confidence and learned new strategies for redirecting Jason's aggression. By the end of the program, all measurements of Jason's behavior dropped back to within normal ranges and Jason returned to preschool. "I learned so much. I would refer this program to everyone," said the mother. "I've always loved my son. Now I really like him."

Often, it isn't what parents know that creates problems. It's what they don’t know. Most parents want to do the best they can for their children. But children don't come with instructions.

"I've never been a parent. But their mom died and now I need to take care of them."

CPI received a school referral regarding two recently enrolled children who were being cared for by their aunt. They had recently arrived from another city and were now in the aunt’s custody. The two children, ages 6 and 9, had witnessed their mother’s death at the hands of their father during a domestic dispute. The aunt was willing to raise the children but had no previous experience. She did not know how to address the children's nightmares or their difficulty in adjusting to a new home and a new school. The children cried frequently and seemed particularly stressed by the change.

A CPI parent educator immediately began weekly home visits with the aunt while the children received counseling to help them address their grief over the loss of their mother. The aunt worked with our parent educator to create a safe, consistent home environment for the children and with the school to assist her nieces with school work and socialization. "I didn't know there were so many resources to help me," said the mother. "CPI has made it possible for me to care for my nieces under really difficult circumstances. I'm no longer afraid that I'll fail them."

Caregivers don't have to raise children all by themselves. They have access to a larger web of support. One of CPI's goals is to offer all parents and caregivers a lifeline to the most appropriate community services.

"My wife is a drug addict. I can't leave my children home alone with her. But I need to go to work to support them. What do I do?"

A father of two toddlers phoned CPI to ask for help. His wife had become addicted to methamphetamines and he was afraid to leave the children home alone during the day. He frequently returned from work to find his wife passed out on the couch and children unattended. The couple fought bitterly and the police were called frequently to intervene in their arguments.

The father began working with one of CPI's father outreach mentors who helped him qualify for a leave-of-absence from work while he and the mother's parents persuaded the mother to seek treatment. Mother entered a treatment facility while father cared for the children, assisted by regular visits from his father mentor. "I had to learn a lot," said the dad. "Most of all, I had to learn to be patient under really stressful conditions."

The father's older sister agreed to move into the home and watch the children while mother was in treatment. This allowed the father to go back to work. When the children's mother finished her treatment she and the father agreed to counseling to address the impact of her addiction on their marriage and family.

"We're doing so much better now," said the father. "I don't know if my wife and I will stay together, but I know the kids will be OK now. I'm much more confident as a parent and I know what's best for them."

Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is to live with uncertainties about the future. But children can know a feeling of security, even in the most stressful situations, as long as their parents remain attentive to their needs.